a longer introduction

strong>Hi!!! I'm!!! Mai!!!
(that isn't my actual name, just a shortened version)
I'm a 15 year old girl from England.
This website will purely be documentaion of my life and how far i have come since now, at 15:44pm on the 16th of july, 2020.
If someone from my school finds this, i'll fwejasihewfhdjeksawwu~

so, I'm 15, and I'm currently in year 11. I was supposed to have my GCSEs this year, but the exams were cnacelled on the 4th of january? I think, which is really good. We get assessed by our teachers, and I think most of my teachers like me. For my GCSE options, I took History, spanish, IT and Art. My favourite subjects are RE, Art and Spanish :>.
I like RE because i enjoy learning about philosphy and religion, even tho i'm an athiest (but i practise witchcraft, i'm not wiccan tho).
I like art because it's been a hobby for a long time, and its my little escapsim, but it's getting harder to draw and stay motivated.
I like spanish because i love learning languages, and i'm currently trying to learn Russian too, plus the lessons are usually pretty chill.
Overall, I don't enjoy school. the people there suck, and i don't have many friends, especially as i've just split off an old toxic friend group, including a toxic best friend who i chased around and even had a crush on for me to be crushed. Yes, i shouldn't expect anything from anyone, but the way they rejected me was not ok, and then they act like they were the bigger person.. i know they tried not to hurt me, but they made it all worse.
Speaking of toxic bestfriends, pretty much 90% of my past best friends have been toxic in some way or another, except two. The first is Cerys, and she's been there pretty since we were born (though she's 6 months younger than me). She's my favourite person ever, and i would give anything to guarantee the best for her. The second is Teagan, who I met on instagram/Tiktok, who I can always relate to, and it's really cool how we can vent to each other :>. I also have my long-distance boyfriend, but he's complicated. He's sweet, and he reminds me of patrick bateman (which isn't good, but whatever), and it's also an open relationship. Yeah, I know, it's real complicated.
I haven't had the best experiences, but that isnt me whining and saying 'oh my life is so hard, pity me :((('. I have privilege and i accept that, but hopefully there will be a day where i don't have privilege, and everyone will be equal. I think that's a big reason why i'm sad. the world is so cruel and gross, and i have to grow up and go into it, and then have people say 'well that's just how it is'.
it doesn't have to be this bad.
I have a lot of issues with putting others in front of myself, and I still do that. it's really difficult, because i just want to help others, but usually end up sacrificing myself, which is the last thing i need. when i get older, I want to be an art teacher, and then an art therapist. everyone says i'd be great as both, and my mum really wants me to be an art therapist, but i'm worried that i might not be able to handle it. But i really do want to help.
I think I have BPD, or some kind of disorder other than anxiety and depression. I've always thought there was something weird about me, but maybe that's just me with an individuality complex.